I often hear or read people say “I’m fine on my own.” and I wonder what they mean. Do they mean it in a literal: “I am capable of sustaining my existence without another person helping me”, because I would fit into that definition (for about 2 weeks before the diet of take outs took its toll) but people never use it in that context. So my next thought is that they mean they are fine with not being in love. And then I puzzle over how they manage to keep themselves that heavily distracted all of the time. Because I always get the pangs of loneliness every so often, and what has been nice is finding out, via twitter, that other people feel like that too. Those feelings of loneliness and pining for love are peculiar for me, meant to be miserable, but I kind of like them. I could say that is because, in the words of Bill Bailey: “I am British, and as such I crave disappointment”. But the less vacuous reason is that I look on it as something I’d love to change, but isn’t actually a ‘problem’ for me. Perhaps this is what people really mean by “I’m fine on my own”.
I find being lonely an interesting state to be in, neither strictly bad or good. It stops me being lulled into thinking that I’ve done the main bits of my life now, and all that is left to do is continue them on and just tweak. It feels like having a house with all blank walls and some empty rooms. Perfectly fine to live with, there is nothing technically wrong with it, yet you know there is something missing. It’s something that you would plan to sort out at some point, but you can’t plan for love (or I least I wouldn’t), and it would be nearly impossible for me to find someone, due to a crushing cycle of a lack of confidence coming from a lack of experience. However, I still say nearly impossible, I like that small glint of hope, it keeps me going, knowing that if nothing happens I’ll still be fine, but if something ever does, then there is a whole other world to experience.