My Fear

This is not a fun blog post, by no-ones standards, unless you hate me and enjoy schadenfreude. It’s a blog post I just want to write, and writing it has made me feel better, and maybe me sharing these things will help you lot as well.

So, for about a month now, maybe more, I’ve been getting this sense of dread. It’s a fear of death, a worry about the future, and it’s just fucking horrible. It’s giving me this uneasy feeling in my chest, and my legs and hands keep shaking. And that’s at its best, without warning, the full realisation of my own, and others, mortality will hit me, and it literally stops me in my tracks and breifly paralyses me with an incredible fear, luckily it doesn’t last too long, but the uneasy feeling will often last a while. I want to go back to the time when I was a bit more carefree, and relax a bit, or at least just have normal worries. I have no idea what’s happened to me this last month, and it doesn’t seem to be dying down as much as I hoped it would. It’s shit this, and with a cruel irony I’m now worrying about spending the rest of my life with this dread.
I’m wondering what to do about it, and the only thing I can find is just to keep myself distracted. University helps; lectures, talking to people and even just getting lunch seems to supress those thoughts, and also supress them affecting me if I do wander onto thinking about them. There’s little things that keep me cheerful, seeing other people happy is great, seeing people light up when I offer a sweet of somekind, it’s wonderful. And writing that has made me think and realise how much I actually like doing those really simple things. It’s great.

The trouble is that as the day goes on, the thoughts start to plague me more and more. Games can keep me distracted, as can simple things like just being really tired, but it’s still a trouble trying to keep myself in a good mood. But it does make it near impossible to get to sleep, I can’t try and let myself drift off because the thoughts will just flood into my head and I’ll jolt upright with a sudden fear. That’s horrible.

I can tell myself afterwards that all this is stupid and mock myself for it, but ultimatly, it’s just a mood I’m in, and it’s really hard to shift. I’ve wondered over what’s causing it, trying to find something that I can remedy. It’s not diet as far as I can tell, eating the same sort of things, it’s not caffine, it doesn’t seem to be stress, unless I’m better at thinking ahead than I thought I was. Maybe I’m just getting lonely, or maybe it’s just a mood I’ve got into. Either way, doesn’t seem to be much I can do about either of those, so I just have to sit it out, with limbs that won’t stop shaking.

I feel shit, I feel very scared, I feel vulnerable and I really need this to pass. It’s near paralysing, I think I could do with a hug, just something to make me suddenly relax and calm my nerves. Hopefully I can just refocus and calm down, because at the moment I’m just overwhelmed.

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